Improvisational Sex

Note: This post is about period sex. If blood freaks you out, don't read it.

I am cursed. Not cursed. I'm just really good at jinxing myself. My last post (on Thursday) was about the oh so enjoyable monthly event known as The Period, aka Hell Week, aka The Series Of Days Where I Turn Into The Spawn Of Satan. If any of you read it, you might remember me mentioning my irregularity. Well, I was already really late, and I was going on a weekend getaway to the beach with a guy (there's always a guy), and I figured "Ehh, it's held out this long, I'm sure it won't be coming anytime soon." I thought those exact words as I uploaded the post. And then, the unimaginable happened. I got. My freaking. Period. First was the disbelief. Then the shock. Then the horror. Then the flinging myself on my sofa and wailing to my roommate. Then the calling my mother. Then the chainsmoking a bunch of cigarettes to calm down. Then the hysterical, maniacal laughter. I stared at my half full suitcase and contemplated tossing everything back in my closet and giving up on the weekend. I eventually calmed down and got my hormones in check and made it out for the weekend, but it did take some meticulous planning.

Shower sex. I cannot stress this enough. It is so steamy (literally), and there is zero mess and zero cleanup. This is good for people who are uncomfortable with the idea of period sex and/or who are doing it for the first time. It's a nice intro because there is minimal damage control to be done, and everything goes down the drain. This was a bit of a struggle for me this weekend because of our shower. It wasn't made for two people, and the showerhead was directly above us so the water was washing away a lot of our natural lubrication, and we had to stick to doggy style standing up because no, I am not a size two and cannot be picked up and fucked against the wall like a petite little damsel. Lo siento. However. It was still mindblowingly good. It was a little annoying to have to pause mid foreplay and get up and turn the water on and then have him leave for thirty seconds while I took my tampon out and then come back in and get set up and blah blah blah. But it worked. And it was hot as hell.

The annoying part about being on your peroid is that you will, ultimatley, end up giving plenty of blowjobs. I feel your pain, Ron Swanson. I hate giving head. I loathe it. It's a necessary trade because I love receiving oral (yes, I'm a hypocrite, sue me), so I pay my dues and get it over with, but I really severely dislike it. When you're on your period and your options are limited, though, you kind of get roped into it. The only reason I ever enjoy giving a blowjob is because of the ego trip it gives me. I'm in complete control, and I tend to rock his world. That's the problem. I hate something I'm quite talented at. Long story short, I had to give a few this past weekend, but the guy I was with was really quite gracious about it, so it was manageable. But be warned-- if you're on your period, chances are you will get asked for a blowjob. Or worse! Anal. That's just my personal preference, but more on that some other time.

These will be your best friends if you're having period sex outside of the shower. Ideally they won't be white (damn you, hotels!) but rather some dark colour like burgundy that will mask the mess. I don't mind period sex, but I really don't want to see the lining of my uterus streaked over a towel. It's annoying as hell because it also takes some planning. Stop foreplay, go take your tampon out, bring out a towel, lay it down, etc. But it's the best/pretty much only way to still do it in bed. This following sentence is of utmost importance: STAY IN MISSIONARY. This is not a drill you guys. Because your hips are angled up, there will be less of a chance that you will bleed, it at all. If you get on top then you will ultimately bleed all over his penis and it's going to be a mess, and even if you do doggy style there's a chance of blood leaking simply because of the angle. So stick to missionary. Now, while period sex isn't the easiest feat, there are some real benefits to it.

Whoever made this meme: thank you. Besides these three, orgasms can reduce pain from cramps. In a perfect world, there is no stigma surrounding menstruation, and I'm not a fan of all the obstacles that come with period sex. But there are ways around those obstacles. It's all about knowing what you're working with and, of course, informing your parner beforehand. While getting my period did put a damper in my mood and prevented us from having the ravenous, fuck me anywhere in the room type of sex we're using to having, we managed to make it work, and it was just as amazing, just in different ways. Don't let your period hold you back from enjoying sex. Happy journey down the crimson path.

xx,

Gemma