Sticky Stuff

I hate semen. I hate the taste and the smell and the consistency and everything about it. Also, the concept of little fish like creatures living in it seriously creeps me out. I also have tattoos and I've learned the hard way that tattoo ink and semen do not mix well, at least for me. The few times semen has so happened upon my ink, I itch like crazy and freak out and pull some sort of hysterical drama involving baby wipes and antihistamine cream. Which is absurd, and it would be easier if I never had to deal with it again. Unfortunately, semen is necessary for the human race to survive and for the sole purpose of my hypothetical future children, I put up with it. But I’ve learned ways around it.

Always, always, always use a condom. You should be doing this regardless, but if you need another reason to start, it avoids the mess. The semen ends up in this nice little plastic baggie that is easily flushed down the toilet and you never have to deal with it. If you’re in a monogamous relationship and you and your partner have agreed to use some other form of birth control, have a conversation about what’s going to happen with the semen. Does it go inside you? On you? On him? On the sheets/cushions/carpet/counter? When this was my situation, he would finish inside me and then I’d use the restroom. For the record, peeing after intercourse decreases the risk of UTIs, so you should be peeing post-sex anyways. That was relatively painless, but I would still have to deal with the smell. What seriously bothers me is when a guy makes the executive decision that he’s going to deposit his stuff on your body and refuses to tell you until the “I’m gonna cum!” moment when he pulls out and finishes all over your stomach. Thanks to the porn industry, that’s considered hot. Or sexy. Or attractive. What do you want me to do, rub it in like moisturizer? No, thanks. This mostly happens during casual sex when the guy is trying to avoid unwanted pregnancy. I totally get why they do it, I just wish there was a warning before hand. The sensation of being covered in a wet, warm, foreign substance is never a pleasant one. Would you want someone puking on you? Didn’t think so.

Then there’s the issue of oral sex. I’m pretty sure that isn’t any woman’s favourite thing to do, and if you hear a girl say “Oh my god, I just love going down on guys!” it’s because she’s trying to impress someone within earshot. The whole spit or swallow thing is ridiculous to me. When you spit, you’re basically swirling the stuff around your mouth and bringing it to the tip of your tongue (most sensitive taste buds, hello?). If a guy is going to finish in your mouth, just swallow. It’s nasty, and it’s going to taste a little gritty and metallic, but get it over with and find some Listerine when you’re done. Ideally, he’ll give you fair warning so you can brace yourself, and then return the *ahem* favour. But it’s not a perfect world.

Then again, maybe you’re the one in a million girl who loves everything about semen and would use it as a beauty product if it passed the FDA regulations. I’m not judging.

xx,

Gemma