Somewhere in the Night

I don't know about you guys, but I have sex dreams pretty often. Like maybe once every two weeks. I'm sure other people have them more regularly, and other people probably have them more sporadically, but I'm a pretty consistent nocturnal emitter. Which I know sounds so gross but it is the scientific term so deal with it. Wet dreams don't just apply to men. Sometimes I dream about someone I know, sometimes it's about a celebrity, and other times it's about a complete stranger. I can't ever explain my dreams, even the non sexual ones. I'm the kind of person who will dream about running through a rainforest wearing a neon flamingo costume while being chased by Romulans (yes I'm a Trekkie so what). So couple my odd dreams with something of a sexual nature, and you have a cross between 50 Shades of Grey, Metamorphosis, and How to Train Your Dragon. I know. This is why people think I'm crazy.

So last night I had a sex dream. Picture if you will: I'm sitting in a fountain. It's in the middle of an open field, and there's nothing else as far as the eye can see. I have hair down to my ankles and I look like Boticelli's The Birth of Venus. I'm just sitting in this fountain and the water is nice and cool and there's a light breeze blowing and out of nowhere my best friend appears except she has the body of a giraffe. I know it's her because I can hear her voice and it has her mannerisms, but she's a giraffe. There's this weird bestiality scene that I kind of cringe at whenever I think about it but it wasn't raunchy you know? It was kind of very sweet and loving and just a lot of touching and nuzzling but it's still freaking weird. Then, out of nowhere, the scene changes and I'm in the backseat of a car, with normal hair, and some guy is going down on me. Like, intensely. But I'm not reacting. Like I remember it feeling really good, but I'm just kind of impassively stroking his hair. I can't really see his entire face, but I definitely don't know him. And he's amazing at what he's doing, and I can feel myself getting really close to having an orgasm, but it just isn't registering in the rest of my body. Suddenly, the car hits something. I have no idea who is driving, but we get out and see that we've run over the giraffe/my best friend. She's dying a very slow and painful death in the middle of the street, and instead of helping her this guy and I just start having sex right in front of her. It was like we were giving her a show before she died. And then, in this very creepy moment à la Lars von Trier, the giraffe died while the guy came. And again, I was impassive.

I woke up in a state of delirium. I had kicked off all of the covers, and there were pillows strewn across the room. I was covered in cold sweat and shaking. Let me quell your doubts of my sanity with this disclaimer: this is, by far, the most twisted and disgusting dream I've ever had. My sex dreams usually involve some threeway with Cam Gigandet and a contortionist while we're in a hot air ballon. Or something like that. Which yes, is still weird, but not totally messed up. Point is, dreams are so far out of our control and I believe that yes, they are a compilation of our entire subconsciousness. So we might as well enjoy them for what they are. If I ever find that guy, I'm taking him home with me. He deserves a medal for his oral sex performance. And yes, I realize I'm a little crazy. But hey, aren't we all?

xx,

Gemma